Sunday, July 30, 2006

And Now For An Imitation...

Here's my imitation of Stevie Wonder at a fireworks show...

"Ooooh....That one sounded pretty!"


Thank you!


Disclaimer: I apologize to all blind people everywhere for making a blind joke. Does the internet come in Braille yet? Anyway, sorry.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Fun Facts

* Why doesn't Aldi have a cafeteria? Where else could you go to get a full meal for 35 cents? You'd have to cook it yourself, but hey it's 35 cents!

* Aldi makes you put a quarter in the cart to keep as collateral in case you take the cart. They actually think that I would give up a cart just to get my quarter back? I need something to get my tube tops home from the laundry mat punk!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Earth Discovered To Be Just A Huge Gobstopper...

All wars cease as nations get together and join hands and embrace our new candy heaven. Eternal bliss begins today.




The preceding was a reenactment of one of Al Gore's dreams.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Survivng An Airplane Crash

This is from Snopes.com:

Claim: The purpose of the 'crash' or 'brace' position is to kill passengers quickly in the event of an airliner crash, or to preserve their remains so as to make identification of bodies easier.

Status: False


They go on to explain that the "crash" position can actually save lives and that 71% of airplane crashes are survivable.

I just wanted to say that I really wouldn't want to survive an airplane crash where I was one of a few survivors. Think about it. You will probably need 25 years of rehabilitative therapy just to learn to walk again, and you will spend the rest of that time being spoon fed jello and going to the bathroom into a cathater. Is that really living??

So I've decided that if I'm on a commercial airline and they say over the loud speaker, "Hey everyone assume the crash position, we are going down!!", the first thing I would do is snap my own neck. You want to wait til impact? Go for it! I will go down with everyone else but my soul will already be in heaven. See ya there suckers!

With my luck the headline the next day would read..."Crashing Plane Lands Safely: Idiot On Board Snaps His Own Neck"

Monday, July 24, 2006

Stupid Stuff Taught In Schools....A Rerun

I decided to rerun this commentary...mainly because I think I was right on...

Continuing on with the sex education portion. One thing I was taught in school is that homosexuality is natural and a perfectly acceptable lifestyle. In fact we were encouraged to go home and think about the possibility that we might be gay. I went home and examined and found out I was the straightest person I know.

But the thing that always got to me was the claim that homosexuality was natural. What does that mean? I mean granted I don't think it would have been right to tell kids that if they are gay that they are unnatural or weird. But to me homosexuality is very very unnatural.

Think about it. If nature is only here because of survival of the fittest than how does homosexuality fit into that equation? Not to be too graphic but, the parts don't fit. And even if they did fit it wouldn't matter because they cannot produce more life. If I understand evolutionary thinking, we evolve with purpose. The fish don't grow ears because they don't need ears. We don't grow fins because they don't have any function to us. So why would someone be born "naturally" into homosexuality? There is no functionality in a homosexual relationship. If anything, if homosexuals are truly born that way than it is a genetic flaw. A cruel joke played by nature. I'm sure this viewpoint angers homosexuals, but I don't mean for it to. I know that they choose these relationships because they want to; because it's what they desire. But I don't recall learning that things evolve because of what feels the best.

I haven't settled on whether or not I believe that people can be born gay. The evidence is all over the map. And I don't know how that coincides with my belief in the Bible. So I'm waiting to see before I take a hard stance on that subject. But I don't know if we should be teaching children that homosexuality is as natural as rain. I think that we should teach sex ed, without mention of homosexualty.
Unfortunatly I think conservatives will take a loss on this subject. The liberal agenda would never budge on this topic..never. Homosexuality is in public schools to stay. Once again I think parents should always have the right to hold kids from sex ed classes. This has to be the compromise. And sex ed should never spill out into other classes. It should be a contained subject. This way parents can be sure that kids aren't being taught unwanted subjects behind their backs.(the usual liberal method.)

One thing I know for sure. If I did allow my child(when I have one)to attend public school he/she will be well trained to listen to the teacher and report back to me on any thing that goes beyond what I want him/her to learn. I refuse to give up my right to raise my child as I see fit. More parents ought to be more involved in the education process. Thank you.....very much.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Fun Facts

* Wichita Kansas is well known for it's airplane manufacturing companies. What most people don't realize is that, although it's completely unrelated, we are also find a body floating in the Arkansas River several times a year, and usually we never find out how it got there or who it was. Classy!

* I go into those stores where "Everything is a dollar" and get a whole cartload of stuff. Then when I get to the front I hand the lady a dollar. She wants me to pay a dollar for each item but, hey...Everything's a dollar! When she calls the police and I get a ticket...hey..it's only a dollar!

* I wasted everyone's time on that last one...sorry.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Global Warming Rocks!

All these doomsday scenarios have been popping up everywhere. Al Gore has been crying huge tears and trying to scare the more gullible among us. Apparently the polar ice caps are fixin to melt and a lot of us are gonna be fish food. Well I like to think of the glass as half full. I think global warming and the coming natural catastrophe is gonna be so sweet!

Think about it...

No more cars -- We will all go to work and school on wave runners and canoes. Now how can that possibly be bad?

Less clothing costs -- We will be in swimsuits all day or we might revert back to the days of the simple loin cloth. I won't have to work all day to spend my money on designer clothing. Plus it'll be hot so any clothes will most likely be polyester or cotton...think of the breathable fabrics!

Global warming will correct itself -- If we are causing it, and it will cause the death of billions, then problem solved!

Long John Silvers -- There will be an abundance of fish. Long John's will surpass Microsoft as the biggest corporation in the world. And since their fish and chicken taste exactly the same they will have both the fish and poultry markets cornered.

Winter will rock -- Supposedly we will have even colder winters with global warming. Ice skating and hockey will be the new world sport! Yay...No more stupid, boring soccer.

Ok I hope I can keep up the quality of these stupid posts...Now you know why I put so many pictures up...Nothing but the best for my readers!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Wow! 30,000 visits And Still Counting...

The Life And Times is passing another milestone. One and a half years into this silly website and already I have had 30,000 visits. Thank you to everyone that has stopped in for a dose of mindless chatter. And to celebrate this accomplishment I give to you a joke that I thought was funny...

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Richard", replied the little boy.

"And what is your question, Richard?"

"I have three questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"My name is George."

"And what is your question, George?"

"I have 5 questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Richard?"

This May Sound Stupid VII

* I dreamed again last night that I was king of the mushroom people. Can someone interpret the dream for me please?

* Today is lawn salad day! I'm thinking of having some chicken already sitting my mouth while I mow, that way I have a chicken ranch salad in every bite.

* Wendy's classic tripple has 48 square inches of beef. That's insane. I like it. It's like a meat carpet if you put it all together.

* Yesterday when I was finally mowing the lawn at church, a huge wasp came flying over my head and then landed on my shoulder while I was riding on the mower. Of course I did what any man secure in his masculinity would do...I stopped the mower and jumped off and just started running and flailing my arms. It was not one of my finer moments....I have a feeling the wasp is still laughing about it with his friends...."Hey, you should have seen what I made this idiot on a mower do today...I love being a wasp!"

* Now I have text messaging on my phone. I hate it! I am the biggest sell out ever! ...Coming soon...."Aaron Rocks" T-shirts...Any takers?

* Would you rather eat a pie filled with sand or an entire box of Bic pens?

Cmon now, don't dodge the question!

* I wonder if when the astronauts go on a space walk to repair the shuttle if they bring a bag lunch out there with them. I mean they probably can't just come back in the shuttle to have lunch. I bet the most frustrating thing has to be when they open their Lunchables and half the crackers just go floating out into space. Come back little cracker!

* You put on two pair of pants!

* Is it wrong to go outside to get the mail while wearing a shower cap and a hanes v-neck t-shirt?

* I came up with an idea, a milk despenser in the shower. I get to eat my cereal and take my shower at the same time! Man, I am on fire this month with invention ideas!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Let's See How My Predictions For 2006 Have Turned Out...

Early on in the year I made some big predictions for 2006. How many have I gotten right so far????

* Disneyland's annual "gay day" at the park will be extended to include a transvestite day. Children will be confused as to whether Mickey or Minnie is giving them a hug.

* Mr. T will go into hyper mode after he decides that in 2006 he will pity more fools than ever before.

* Tookie Williams will rise from the dead and kill us all.

* After having successfully distracted the U.S. with their Sudoku puzzles the Japanese will attack.

* Historians will declare that Walk Like An Egyptian is the stupidest song ever written.

* The makers of Yoohoo chocolate drink will celebrate their 20th sale.

* In a clerical error Gary Coleman will receive a Kennedy Center Honor.

* In an effort to appeal to the high percentage of overweight children, Sesame Street will introduce a new character. It will be Big Bird's cousin, Big Boned Bird.

* The Democrats will theorize that George W. Bush caused World War I after they reveal that he was the one that assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

* The U.S. government will introduce a new program designed to ease overcrowded prisons... Any prisoner can be set free if they agree to be roundhouse kicked one time by Chuck Norris. There will be no takers.

* Pat Robinson will declare that anyone who doesn't send the 700 Club 500 dollars will experience the wrath of God...everyone decides to take their chances. (Why is anyone still watching that show...Don't be so gullible!)

* There will be massive earthquakes, tsunamis, famines and wardrobe malfunctions.

* Richard Simmons will grow his afro to 3 times the legal limit.

* Out of boredom George W. Bush will use his weather machine to thaw Antarctica.

* Left Behind 4 will win 4 Golden Globes and 7 Oscars. The new McGee and Me movie will be ignored.

* The Life And Times will be voted second best blog by the organization known as The Internet For The Illiterate and Blind Society.

* Yo Momma.

Ok, so I'm no prophet!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Got Hit With A Firework Last Night. Here's The List Of People I'm Suing...

1. The tent that sold it to me -- They are negligent in the fact that they sold me a defective firework that went horribly askew and bludgeoned me in front of my friends.

2. The Chinese man who made it -- Sure, he makes 5 dollars a month working in a sweat shop...but I need compensation.

3. My parents -- They hosted the party that made conditions right for a firework celebration. They were responsible for even the possibility of it happening.

4. My friends -- You know who you are! Not one of you made any attempt to stop the rogue firework from smashing itself into my precious skin. Most laughed hysterically while I writhed in pain and screamed like a girl. See you in court!

I will prosecute with extreme prejudice!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

This May Sound Stupid VI

* Why is Papa John's so much more disgusting than Pizza Hut? Scholars are torn on this question, but most agree that it has something to do with the fact that their pizza tastes really really bad.

* Time to go mow the church lawn once again. Let's hope I avoid the lawn salad. I have dressing in hand just in case.

* Tonight for dinner I had 2 egg rolls and three donuts. Any second now my insides might explode. Somebody get the word out, donuts and eggrolls are a lethal combination. The FDA should be warned.

* How does a person with no arms brush their teeth? This is one of life's toughest questions.

* Riddle: What is round and square at the same time, yet doesn't even really exist?

Answer: ??????

* Is it wrong that I wish my car had a laser guided missle launcher on the front of it so that I could blow up cars that cut me off in traffic?

* Those liars said that there could possibly be 240 meteors an hour. Thats the last time I get info from www.bad-information.com. At least I didn't get hit in the head with one! Or did I? I can't remember.

* I spent the night scooping water out of my car. That's right, my car was in a terrible flood at my parents house and it had half a foot of standing water in the front and back seat. But life is still good. How was your night?

* If there's one thing I can't stand it's when my car smells like a racoon threw up and then died underneath my car seat. It's bad!

* People yell at me because I pour too much milk into the macaroni and cheese. And you know what I say to them...Shut up and drink your cheese milk!