I hope I don't lose my Christian testimony this year when I take one of the Salvation Army bell ringers bell from his hands and launch it into the parking lot, and then run over it with my car.
Over 60% of the men who tryout for to be Special Forces dropout during "Hell Week". I would dropout halfway through signing my name on the entry form.
I never feel quite as stupid as when I poke myself in the eye with my own fingers for no reason whatsoever.
When I was a kid we didn't have teenage sparkly vampires. We had mutant ninja turtles who just happen to be teenagers. And we loved it.
My electric blanket has a pre-heat setting. I go to sleep every night scared that I am going to accidentally set it to broil.
We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain to be vegetarians.
If I ever join a fringe militia group and we take hostages and hold up in a compound and they use music blasting from speakers to try and wear me down.. Here's a hint: Play Manheim Steamroller or Trans Siberian Orchestra and I will give up immediately and even rat on others.
Is baseball really still America's pastime? We need to venture out and find a new hobby because baseball is pretty dull. I say we take up knitting.
How do they decide when they will bring the McRib back to McDonald's? Are pigs in season?
There is an art to getting the clothes out of the dryer at the perfect moment so that you never have to use an iron. I have those skills.